Volunteers wanted for Tick Counts

Bird counters, pika monitors, and sea turtle patrols—move over! Volunteers are now being recruited to count ticks! Governmental agencies, universities, conservation groups, and public health administrations have been growing alarmed over the increase of tick populations. “We know tick populations are ballooning like our federal deficit,” said Rex Rezults of the US Department of Agriculture. “But unlike the deficit,” he said. “We hope we can control the tick population.” To do this, a consortium of government and private agencies have literally launched a tick tock calling for volunteers to go out into the forests, fields, and swamps and do annual tick counts.

“Time is ticking away,” states Rezults. “We need to put our finger on just how many ticks are out there,” he said. “And there’s no better way to do that than to have them on your fingers—and legs—full body if possible—and get an accurate count.” US Secretary of Health and Human Service, Robert F Kennedy Jr agrees, and dismisses any concerns about ticks being vectors of diseases. “Hell, I’ve lied down in fields shirtless letting those little buggers crawl all over me,” boasted the secretary. “They are rendered harmless if you snort a few lines before letting them bite you,’ he continued. “And besides everyone knows Lyme disease is caused by deodorants—I  don’t touch the stuff—that’s why I’m always shirtless.”

Tick expert and pathologist Kreepy Krally concurs. “Tick bathing can be kind of cathartic. Watching their heads bury deep into your skin and seeing their bodies bloat—it’s a beautiful experience.” Krally is excited to be a part of the tick counting launch and hopes it’s successful. “The last count I was involved with didn’t turn out too well,” recalls Krally. “Turns out catching rattlesnakes and counting the rings in their rattles should only be done by professional snake charmers!”

Anyone interested in being part of the historic Tick Count can sign up today, April Fools’ Day!